The day we became parents.. part 1

Well this is a long time coming for me. I have written, rewritten and hidden this away for a long time now (well 18 months!). Xavier's birth was once a sore topic for me. However I have taken the time to heal, grow and move on from it.. so now here it is in all its glory for you! Before I get in to the story telling I just want to say.. ALL birth is beautiful, ALL birth is natural and ALL birth is a miracle. Xavier's birth is something that I focused on and felt guilty about for a long time. I was told through my pregnancy by some people I will not name, that a Caesarean birth is a failure. It is weak and means that you shouldn't of had your baby as your body was simply not enough.. I am here to tell you that those words could not be further than the truth! September 5th 2017 - Sean and I arrived at the hospital for my induction. We were nervous, clueless and well completely unprepared. Whilst I had the opportunity to go to some birthing classes a month or so prior I feel that they in no way prepared me for the next day. Sean missed the classes due to being at sea at the time so he really had no idea what was coming. When we arrived to the birthing suites Sean and I were shown to our room and introduced to the first of several midwives who would be involved in our care. They strapped me to several machines and went about monitoring my bump for one of the last times. They monitored me for around half an hour before they got the ok from my OB to proceed with the induction. At this point I was told to take my undies off and lay back. I remember the midwife at the time saying "This may be uncomfortable but this gel is nothing compared to what is to come". It was uncomfortable of course but mainly because nobody prepares you for how many people will need to touch, see and talk about your lady bits. At last the gel was in, I was told that they would check me three hours later and to just get comfy until then. Sean started to play poker on his phone to pass the time. They expected me to go to around 4cm in these hours.. However come 11pm (they left me way longer than three hours) I was only 1.5cm. The midwife sat to monitor bumps movements and the contractions and saw that the contractions were coming hard and fast however they weren't actually doing anything! So unfortunately for us my OB decided it was not worth giving the second lot of gel then and to wait for her to arrive in the morning. This was the first of several complications that would arise. Cue the crummy hospital sandwich was attempted to be eaten before Sean and I set in to try and sleep for the night. I had to remain in the bed strapped to monitoring machines so it is safe to say I did NOT sleep at all that night. The night was the most boring part of our whole stay. Sean snored on and off and was pampered by the hospital staff who kept bringing him blankets and pillows as well as snacks. However I was growing more and more uncomfortable by the moment, I wouldn't say there was any pain though. The third staff handover happened around 530am, this would be the midwife/student midwife that stayed with us until we had Xavier in our arms. At around 6am my OB walked in perky as anything. How frustrating after an uncomfortable night with no sleep! She checked how far dilated I was and at only 2cm it was time to break my waters. This was honestly the most strange and uncomfortable feeling! I can not even describe it. I just remember grabbing Sean's hand and looking at him like 'oh what the heck'. As quickly as she walked in my OB left saying that she would see me in a few hours. From the time my waters were broken to around 7:45 I had the student midwife monitoring my bump and all the movements. As far as I was told everything was going 'textbook perfect' how they would be proved wrong! I was told to get up and go to the bathroom around 8:30am. This was so AWKWARD! Have you ever had to walk to the bathroom whilst you had your waters dripping out? I was given what was essentially a puppy pee pad to hold between my legs as I waddled my giant bump to the bathroom and back... You are more than welcome for that mental image by the way! As soon as I got back into the bed I told Sean that it was getting painful. I described it to the Midwives as if I was being stabbed from the inside. Sean told me to breathe and went back to playing his poker.. Yes he was STILL playing poker. I finally gave in around 9 and asked for the gas. In fact I said "Ok I need drugs now, this is no longer fun". The gas was great for probably the first half an hour but before 10 i was begging for an Epidural. They were beginning to be concerned about the way I was describing my pain. Stabbing sensation in my lower left side. The epidural was bliss. Whilst uncomfortable to put in, the relief was almost instant. I was thrilled that i could finally get some rest. The student midwife did one more check and I was 4cm dilated. I will never forget her looking me in the eye and saying "this kid has so much hair".. all whilst she was still feeling up there! I'm not kidding when I say through pregnancy and labour you loose all insecurity and dignity.. The Midwife brought me a cup of ice chips (LIFE, am I right?) and left me to watch America's Funniest Home Videos, Sean once again.. Was playing poker. I was texting my sister who was waiting st home that we still had hours to go and she may as well drive home three hours north.. Moments later I was crying in pain.. I was trying to turn myself onto my side as the pain in my left had just gotten extremely intense! I vomited and was starting to be fairly out of it. The student midwife rushed to get the supervising midwife who then went to work checking what was going on down there. After only a second she stood up and walking out saying "I am calling your OB".. I looked at Sean and at this point my mind went to panic stations. Every single check so far they told me EXACTLY what was going on.. This time I didn't even get looked in the eye. A few moments of her being out the door an alarm started to sound and in my head I was thinking... that alarm is for me! She came back in and told us that we are going for an emergency caesarean and in moments the room filled with several other people. Sean was thrown an outfit to start putting on and boy was he in shock! (I guess that's what happens when you play poker through everything, missing the drama). The Anaesthetist was amazing through this. It only took minutes for them to wheel me into theatre the scariest part was this short distance. I couldn’t sit up, I couldn’t roll.. all I could do was stare at the bright hallway lights as we rushed last them. Once we got into the theatre Sean had to wait outside whilst I was prepped, the anaesthetist was kind and held my hand reassuring me whilst numbing me completely and making sure I couldn't feel by rubbing ice on my skin. I remember Sean coming in and holding my hand but that is really it.. I was half in shock and half out of it from so much blood loss... Then suddenly just like that.. Entered Xavier Flynn Walsh at 1348 weighing 4.03kg and 52cm long. Complete perfection.

They took Sean and Xavier across the room to do his stats and whilst that happened a few of the staff congratulated me to distract me. Before I could blink they were back and the burrito of blankets was placed in my arms.. A few photos were taken and only a few moments later I turned to Sean and whispered i am going to be sick. That amazing Anaesthetist I mentioned? He overheard and quickly grabbed Xavier from me in time for me to vomit ALL over myself. That was the last I saw of Xavier for several hours.. Sean as well! They went off to the Birth Suite whilst I remained sick, nearly passed out on the operating table.. I can not tell you what happened whilst I was still in that room, nor how long it took. All I remember is being wheeled out of that room to the sight of someone mopping up blood, lots and lots of blood.. my blood. Recovery I can not tell you how long I was there for.. but those memories or lack thereof are for another day. Now if you are still reading.. you are amazing, I am sorry for my ranting. Thank you! I wrote out this birth story months ago with my psychologist. It was such a horrid memory for me as I truly felt for months as if I failed my baby.. When in reality, I gave him the gift of life.. my own way.. My scar is my story, it is Xavier's story. It is not the story of failure, however the story of the strength it took to be in the emotions I had to be in, to experience what I experienced and the recovery I had to endure. Until next time, OnePlusOneEqualsFour x