Postpartum... Bliss?

When I fell pregnant, everyone told me "Just wait for the glow!". They told me how amazing it would feel being a new mum. That I would be a whole new me.. sadly they were correct. I had such an unrealistic view on pregnancy and parenthood that mainly came from Social Media and movies. I had put this enormous amount of pressure on myself to do everything by the rule book, to do everything myself and never let anyone in. On the outside I wanted to seem as if I had everything together, yet on the inside I was completely falling apart. Through my pregnancy I dreamt of meeting Xavier for the first time and about how amazing being a new mum would be. Yet when it happened I was exhausted... as is every mum. I was in shock about what happened in the delivery room and then in the theatre. To some my birth story will be nothing, to me its something I don't like to talk about even today.

Social Media creates an image in our minds that we need to be all over it. We need to know exactly what to do and when. For me that could not have been further than the truth. The first night in hospital with Xavier I was exhausted. As I should be after being in labour for hours, before being sent for an emergency caesarean that scared the life out of me. I wasn’t able to lift my legs properly from the drugs, I had a catheter in and was stuck in bed still attached to my antibiotic and fluid drips. I remember Sean leaving the hospital around 7pm to go home for the night. I spent the next 45 minutes crying my eyes out as I realised how quickly it all happened. One minute the midwife had said "It looks like we are hours away at this stage" and the next my OB was holding Xavier above the curtain for me to see. Every time I wanted to feed Xavier I had to buzz a Midwife as I couldn't get him in and out of his bassinet. Of course being in a hospital the Midwife was not available in an instant which left Xavier to get distressed waiting for me.. and me to get distressed wanting to calm him. I remember around one or two in the morning the Midwife came in and took Xavier to the nursery. We were both so distressed that they took him to calm down without me. In reality it left me laying wide awake panicking that he needed me. Days passed and I slowly got the hang of things. I started to walk with my back straight rather than hunched over due to the pain from surgery. Sean took Xavier and I home from hospital and we settled in to life as a family. Nine days after Xavier was born I gave up breastfeeding. I didn't have the knowledge, support or headspace that I needed to be able to continue. Whilst Xavier transitioned to formula relatively well... his bowel movements and sleeping were negatively affected. A short while later Sean returned to work. When this happened I did all of the night feeds alone. Now before you get up in arms.. this was my decision. I felt like I should be the one to do everything at home as Sean needed to work to support us. That and he was going to sea any day now.. I would be forced to be alone soon. Once Sean sailed I spent every waking and sleeping moment with Xavier. I dedicated all of myself into raising him. Slowly I let myself go. I stopped being carefree and filled myself with worry and self doubt. This self doubt moved to me having an extremely negative view on myself. I feared that I was not good enough for Xavier or for Sean. My parenting, body, life skills or my ability to be a decent girlfriend.

Before babies I used to hate my body. I thought I was huge and had extremely low set esteem. So when I had Xavier I defaulted back into thinking how horrible I was. Yet in reality my body has grown two beautiful children. Both of these children were over 4kg at birth... of course my body had to stretch and grow to accommodate them! After quite a long time and several visits to therapy.. I realised where I went wrong. I started to focus on being the perfect mum that I saw online. I realised though that none of those mums have it all together either. The things we see online are the highlights of peoples lives. The things they want you to see! The pictures that are taken at the exact right angle and the exact right filter. Once I figured this out I began to love myself again. Why point out your own flaws when there are so many people out there who will do it for you? Loving myself again let me be myself again.

Am I at times sad about my stretch marks and soft skin? Of course. But I went through two hard and long pregnancies filled with several complications. This saggy as f body you see here made life, to me that’s damn beautiful in itself.

This is postpartum.. it’s ugly, painful and hard. Yet it is the most rewarding thing in the entire world. Learn to love your postpartum self, because the blissful life and unrealistic expectations? It doesn't define you. Being able to be so sleep deprived, worried, confused, happy, in love and excited all at once.. that is the reality of Postpartum life!